when you see a person who is troubled, your instinct should not be to move away. it should be to move toward.

need a good rant...

I just want to post something about being alive. or feeling alive. now i know we've got a million little things keeping us from doing what we want in life. but shit, is it really just fear.. or lack of motivation. a million simple things like: not being able to sleep over, or going to a new place, or experiencing change. what are these little things doing getting in your way. they're causing symptoms. and symptoms are bad, as bad as it gets. and we would do anything to not have them, but we do. we have brain diseases. but what the hell we've got to live because we only get one shot. one shot. that's it. we've got to turn it on. we've got to turn it up. we've got to make something happen with our lives.

now i know we are unique in a couple respects. stress does funny things to our brains. depression keeps us sucking at the door for mercy. anxiety makes us want to jump off a cliff, or less dramatically just hide out and avoid situations. we're not well. but we can live. but we can! a little nudge and we're off...

we've got to remember that as we're leaning towards doing what makes us feel the most alive. to find where life lies, and where joy resides, we're going to have to look silly, out-of-place, and weird... let's say. we're going to have to have people look at us, say stuff to us "are you okay?", "what's the matter?" Maybe even want to avoid us, but yes, the thing is we're mentally ill yet we can get over the looks, the people, the feelings because if their is one objective fact in this entire world that should stand out: what other people think doesn't matter one bit in this universe.

Damn the people! Damn what they think. You're going to have to be somewhere and look silly, and strange, and weird, and out-of-place. But honestly what is that compared to getting closer to feeling alive. what is that? the anxiety rushes up, so reach out!!! so find that person that's going to grab you by the arms take you outside of the bar, and tell you repeatedly it's going to be ok. We're going to get through this together.

We need people around us like that. We need people to trust. We need people who care. We also need to let go off what they think, and look strange, out-of-place, and we're going to expect those awkward looks, and maybe some avoidance, but that's all. That's all that's going to happen, and the thing is you don't have to let it hurt you. That's hard. But you don't have to.

Let's get going, let's start living, let's start putting ourselves on the line.

But for what you might say? To suffer more? To get more symptomatic? No, because if you want to do something then by god you should be able to go do it, and whatever is in your way you got to go right through it. because joy is in feeling alive. and in feeling alive we find life. and the rest... is just a life with no regrets.

I will harp on this again: VOLUNTEER. If you can't work volunteer. It's a great outlet for us, and there  our many different options for the socially queasy (e-mail me for ideas). I'm certain your therapist or psychiatrist, or someone in the mental health community nearby has a website listing your options. Meanwhile we can't forget that while you're volunteering, if you ever in the future want to get a job it's going to be a great reference for you. Yet that's not the point. Getting outside and into the community is what we're after.

Try it out, you'll feel good. It might be just what you needed....

This.

Indulging

Indulging. That negative coping skill we so often slip into. Whether it's sleep, food, television, computers too much is going to prove unhealthy. This goes back to leading a balanced life, and you got to be aware that your addressing each aspect of your life: be that work, social life, art, music, progression, activism, finances... whatever you want; to spend a bit of time on each.

Indulging is an art. The art of wasting time. To feel it slipping through your fingers! I encourage discovering your values, and taking action in line with your values. Do something. Try to make something happen. See something through to its finish, and see how that feels.

We all need a little balance.
We all need a little passion.
We all need to make a little something happen.

recovery noise

Brian Eno is the inventor of ambient music, and this track is one of his best. Takes me far away into the sky to a better place.

bad vibes

Dealing with continuous anxiety... phooey.

I guess I'll say anxiety is in line with avoidance. You think you'll get anxious (or more anxious), and anxiety sucks, therefore you adjust to isolation/avoidance. Well that can't happen. Honestly you want to just be relieved, but I'm a fervent believer in keeping things normal-or sticking to going out, going places, conversing, hanging out, and sticking it out. I find myself a little more self-conscious then usual, but as they say: the only thing that doesn't matter one bit in this world is what other people think.

Go to be aware of cognitive distortions, especially fortune telling defined as:
"You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact."

I'm going to get anxious by going over to my friends house.

rather

I'm going over to my friends house, and we'll see what happens.

cognitive distortions

I want to say a little on cognitive distortions.

One nasty one that gets me is: magnification. You ever text somebody and say something you think was a little dumb or missed the point or whatever. yea i do it all the time, we all do. There are times when I text and I begin to think oh crap because of that they're not going to like me, they're going to think I'm dumb and not want to be my friend. Very self-conscious, yes it is what it is. However it's a cognitive distortion. No one keeps tabs on what other people say-I believe that is the norm. Chances are one moment to the next they've already forgotten what you just said. The distortion is turning it into something much bigger than what it is. I find myself as I continue texting with those thoughts in my head, and guess what once you've magnified it... you've made it into something it's not. Your future communication is going to be influenced from this distortion as you un-necessarily self-consciously meander through conversation.

Stop and get it into perspective. No one is keeping score. People have their own problems which are way to important to think about your one little goof-up.

back on the ball

So I've been going to an outpatient clinic for the last week and a half. I'm learning so much, and seeing areas where I need improvement. The first I'll say is a negative coping skill I employ very often: passivity. In all honesty it's easy to ignore or not recognize feelings, and say In time everything will just work itself out. When in fact it all just won't, and procrastination over real feelings can lead to mounting frustration, and in the end besides the stress; feelings of being worthless and low. It kind of follows the logic you're not feeling good because your not doing anything. Or in my case, I'm frustrated because nothing is happening. I can't make things happen.

There are a lot of things in my life contributing to frustration, and now it's up to me to relieve this frustration. Now my anxiety and mounding stress took me to the hospital where I was not admitted, only handed Ativan (which by the way works scarily good), and from there my path lead to outpatient. I definetly felt trapt at my job, and frustrated with the fact I didn't think I could get work anywhere else because mine happens to be a low stress job. Another thing, and this is important on a spiritual & emotional level, I was ignoring some part of me that yearned to help other people. On many workdays I thought about how I was wasting my time, and how I needed to get back in touch with my values. In fact I consider, as far as my values stand, that my impulse to help won't go away. They're feelings I cannot deny only ignore.

I'm also burdened with this mental illness. I get frustrated with it. I hate when it gets me off the ball, especially in social situations where I feel as though I can't just speak freely. Anyway it's something I'm going to have to accept, and acceptance lies in putting your illness (a fact of your life) into the equation when thinking about jobs, and life. As well as when you're feeling moody, scared, etc.. you can't get mad at your illness. You've got accept that this is the way it is, and symptoms happen, and the best you can do is roll with it and try and make the best.

I think though with the passivity you can feel like the world is passing you by. You can get stuck in an unhealthy routine of consumption: food, tv, computer, and little else. In my case I was just wasting time, and as a human being you can't expect to feel good or happy if all your time is spent doing what you want to do, and often what you're doing is not healthy: wasting time, INDULGING (another huge negative coping skill I use), and not feeling productive. As human-being we're not designed to thrive when you incorporate so few healthy activities, and good coping skills, and when we don't do the things we need to feel good. To not live within healthy means, is to deny yourself well-being.

I also engage in indulging. I'm very bad at setting limits on what I eat, the television/computer time I consume.

What I encourage is awareness of what's really going on. Not in your head, but in your behavior. It's easy to get wrapped up in our problems, and lose track of what we're actually spending our time doing. I encourage recognizing feelings and doing something about these feelings. The result of ignoring your feelings is a crisis, over-time, if they are consistently ignored, and passed off as nothing. I encourage having a plan each day of what you limit yourself too: tv, computer... and abunch of more things. More updates to come, but I'm back and will be keeping up more day-to-day.

thanks guys,
keep reading.
let me know what you like I'll keep writing what you need to hear.

battling my way through february and march... sorry about the lack of updates. in full cope mode.