sometimes I think about the future, and when I do i feel so conflicted about what I can do. I don't feel I can hop on a plane and go join the peace corps. i need stability, and structure. so i'm left thinking there's got to be a place for me in the community. when we desire someting like life at all costs, in all its greatness, sometimes we feel shunned from having that. but in a responsible way we can have adventures. we can go places and experience new things. responsibily with an eye on our meds, with a scheduled visit to our therapist, and with the proper emergency plan. we shouldn't be denied adventures, and new fresh things. when we feel cramped at home. DREAM. Dream up an adventure and work it out in small steps.

Here's a good idea. The next time you're feeling blue, or need a pick up write down a list of your accomplishments. I have mine next to my bed to consult when things get low, or especially when people put me down; because we always have to deal with that asshole at work, or that person or family member that tells you to just get over yourself... etc...

You can start easy.

I've gotten up at a regular hour in the morning for the last....

I've taken care of my personal hygiene for the last....

I've been regularly working at developing this skill....

I've held down a job for the last...

If you've got stuff your proud of write it down. Keep it where you can see it.

It doesn't matter how small it is, if your proud of it and you think reminding yourself of it is worthwhile write it down. This is not the kind of activity you want to compare yourself with others to. This is about you, and what you are proud of accomplishing.

always from the heart in whatever you do.
from the heart in whatever you say...

http://www.karunapharma.com

it's like mad mysterious. they're saying Karuna has two new treatments on the horizon for schizophrenia. they've been adding top psychiatrists from academia, and former CEO's of big companies (Pfizer) to their team. it's like an all-star cast for this up and coming company. where do i invest?

cope...

The rain affords you some beautiful soothing sights. So when I feel a little stressed or psychotic I begin to look around, and at the way that light plays with the puddles. How the raindrops erupt and flicker in the ray of the lamplight. The colors of the traffic lights on the wet street-top. We're surrounded by beauty if we're really looking, and it's enough to soak it in and let it visually soothe us.

I listen to the tires running over the rain-soaked streets, and count the noises I hear. The windshield wipers rhythmically squeaking against the glass, and how the car rumbles beneath you... with classical music at a low volume playing. Anywhere where you are at any given moment there's beauty, and it may seem so insignificant and pointless to you to sense it, but it can be the difference between feeling terrible and feeling slightly better.

Visually we are soothed, in the rain, by beauty.
Listening we are soothed, in the rain, by beauty.

Going through a ruff week-end. Something unique to my experience is being caught in your head. I guess, I got to take it easy. So much of me yearns for feeling better, and rectifying my experience. Yet it's like nothing needs fixing, and yet I'm torn about by symptoms I want to just disappear. Anyway... just going to take it easy. Try and be content. So much of me yearns for feeling invincible to my symptoms, but reality sets in and these illnesses stick like a bad smell.

I mean what is it that drives this culture of self-improvement if not to feel better more often? I mean what is it that drives us? I seek an understanding why can't I have the girlfriend I want? Why can't I have the job I want? Why can't I not feel afraid all the time? And my answer seems to be keep on seeking. Maybe it's just my relation to my experience to always be seeking?

Maybe.

I guess what I want to impart is: maybe there is no answer to ourselves, and we just need to get on with living our life. Maybe there is no insight that changes everything. Maybe there is no way of living that cures all. Maybe we're just meant to be here on earth, and witness it in all its interestingness. Its peculiarities. It's strangeness, pleasure, and spontaneity. Maybe we have to stop seeking the answer to ourselves, in our attempt to be immune from the world, and just start living. Start messing around, and joining the fun, and not worrying about how high my confidence is, or what my self-esteem is. Can we get on with livin'.

it's not this or that. it's not knoweable through reflection only. it's more like an attitude. a readiness. bringing it everyday, and still with that much you don't know and it won't be revealed unless in interaction. between you and the world. today you must rest. tomorrow you must be open. be open please. it's difficult to explain. but you and the world have something sacred and important to learn from each other. you must try your best everyday to let things come and go and infiltrate you and be open above all things. i'm trying to explain, but it's not really something you can put into words. It's interaction between you and the world. That brings you to what you will know, but can't know by sheer contemplation.

you can't be certain about anything unless the world has brought it to you. and what it takes is being open and letting the world interact with you... mold you, and teach you. so much ambiguity. but i'm trying to say it.

the most i can say is this. live your life. and be open. be ready. it will come. don't try.

coping, more cope...

When it comes to coping I'll try anything. I like to combine things especially with deep breathing. The biggest thing for me to set it off is exercise. I think that is big in a bunch of ways: the health factor, the fact that a lot of us are overweight from medication, and because it is a stress reducer. It sets the stage real good for other coping techniques. I'll get home after a run and pour a hot bath, plop in, and put some soulful music on; maybe some Al Green, Dennis Brown, Dee Dee Sharp. I'll take some deep breaths and relax as the songs soothe me. I think you could add some incense, that ain't hurtin'. I like to take my time and wash my entire body feeling the sensations, which is soothing and brings you into the moment. Not forgetting the fact that hygiene is forgotten by some of us, so this could be a great routine to add to your day. At that point I'm pretty relaxed, and it's good because it slows everything down. I get out and finish my ablutions, and put on my most comfortable clothes and I'm ready to go. I think the ritual is a great way to get fresh and ready for the world.

The whole ritual combines soothing, healthy exercise, and getting back into the moment. A potent mix!

revealing... oh so revealing

i think it's time to open up the question of "do i reveal my illness?" one more time. i recently told a work friend I have bi-polar disorder. that's not all, but as sort of a litmus, i let him know i had a form of mental illness. i didn't know if opening up would make me feel better, or stronger, but i did. well he told  a co-worker, and almost spilled the beans to other workers who would have surely told every living soul. now i haven't encountered any real stigmatization yet. it's been about 3-4 weeks since i told him. there were immediately jokes like "he's nuts", and wikipedia searches trying to figure out what Bi-Polar is, but I was able to take an attitude much like: go for it, i don't care. I guess today I feel better than someone knows outside my immediate circle, and that it hasn't really affected me. I'm still very cautious and even paranoid to tell people. Even telling someone I have depression doesn't go easy, but I'm opening up to the fact that people who know you aren't going to really reject you, I think. Yet it's also a matter of disclosure. If i revealed my true illness, Schizoaffective, and told them about some of my psychotic experiences the complexion might seriously change. All I'm saying is this was a test, and so far no ill effects. I hope to one day open up more, but not anytime soon. It'll take courage, but if one person can do it, so can the rest.

it's a coping thing...

i discovered in the hospital by chance one of the most effective coping methods. the good news is, all it involves is your arms and an orange. now its sheer simplicity is beautiful!

now in DBT we come across the "distract, relax, cope," thing. well this is perfect. just scratch the surface of your orange to release its intoxicating scent. then find a comfortable place to lay down and begin throwing the orange up and down. periodically drink in the glorious aroma, and play games try to hit a certain spot on the ceiling, or see how close you can come to hitting the ceiling without hitting.

i love this little game. it goes well with or without some of your favorite musical jams.

distract - tossing an orange
relax - smelling your orange
cope - your already coping!