Going through a ruff week-end. Something unique to my experience is being caught in your head. I guess, I got to take it easy. So much of me yearns for feeling better, and rectifying my experience. Yet it's like nothing needs fixing, and yet I'm torn about by symptoms I want to just disappear. Anyway... just going to take it easy. Try and be content. So much of me yearns for feeling invincible to my symptoms, but reality sets in and these illnesses stick like a bad smell.

I mean what is it that drives this culture of self-improvement if not to feel better more often? I mean what is it that drives us? I seek an understanding why can't I have the girlfriend I want? Why can't I have the job I want? Why can't I not feel afraid all the time? And my answer seems to be keep on seeking. Maybe it's just my relation to my experience to always be seeking?

Maybe.

I guess what I want to impart is: maybe there is no answer to ourselves, and we just need to get on with living our life. Maybe there is no insight that changes everything. Maybe there is no way of living that cures all. Maybe we're just meant to be here on earth, and witness it in all its interestingness. Its peculiarities. It's strangeness, pleasure, and spontaneity. Maybe we have to stop seeking the answer to ourselves, in our attempt to be immune from the world, and just start living. Start messing around, and joining the fun, and not worrying about how high my confidence is, or what my self-esteem is. Can we get on with livin'.

it's not this or that. it's not knoweable through reflection only. it's more like an attitude. a readiness. bringing it everyday, and still with that much you don't know and it won't be revealed unless in interaction. between you and the world. today you must rest. tomorrow you must be open. be open please. it's difficult to explain. but you and the world have something sacred and important to learn from each other. you must try your best everyday to let things come and go and infiltrate you and be open above all things. i'm trying to explain, but it's not really something you can put into words. It's interaction between you and the world. That brings you to what you will know, but can't know by sheer contemplation.

you can't be certain about anything unless the world has brought it to you. and what it takes is being open and letting the world interact with you... mold you, and teach you. so much ambiguity. but i'm trying to say it.

the most i can say is this. live your life. and be open. be ready. it will come. don't try.