let values be your guide

let values be your guide. it is important in this life to know and to act on what we feel is important to us. A life driven by values is a life with direction, and direction is the feeling like we're moving somewhere, somewhere positive. if each day you can act on what you value then you can enrich your life, make it better, improve it. For instance I've been writing letters to friends some of who are nearly strangers, others good friends, but it is the act and the effort which i put into every letter that publishes what I value like a stamp; For Friendship. i write to you because i care to make stronger ties. i write to you because you can make my life rich, and I in turn (hopefully) can yours. I wish to have friends, and to be close to people. This is something I value.

Values can be all sorts of things, but a life driven by value is a life more satisfying, richer, and better for the one who seeks through its pathways.

some musings that might rock you, or not.

what is a mental illness?

>>> a diagnosis
>>> a label for a set of symptoms
>>> a chemical imbalance in the brain

What feels right to me is calling mental illness a chemical imbalance in the brain. Why? Because it takes the burden off of me. By calling it a chemical imbalance I'm not going to try and fix something that cannot be fixed except with medication. I'm told to say affirmations to myself. I'm told to journal. I'm told to think positively.

Does that stuff have any real bearing on me getting better?

Listen, everything that has worked for me is basically using coping skills when i become symptomatic, as a way of getting thrugh hard times (a kind of reprieve) until the symptoms abate. Coping skills are not about fixing you, because you have a chemical imbalance, and there's nothing you can do. Coping skills are designed to offer a reprieve through symptomatic times, so you don't combust, or something. In this respect they have great value, and the more you have the better off you are.

But let's be realistic here. If one coping skill is go hang out with your friends, or be around people you enjoy spending time with. That's a good thing. Certainly getting to know new people is an excellent method of improving your quality of life. More friends + More to do = more to enjoy. But, it doesn't change the underlying thing, that you have a mental illness, and it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.

Coping skills are valuable, but they are designed as a reprieve to spare you through the hard times, until at such time you gain back some stability.

So what can we do to recover?

Certainly it's a huge debate whether people recover, and there are factors that play out in making that possible. I for one know Work is a huge step.  I believe that work equates to: structure + purpose = recovery.

You can recover by getting a job, though I don't want to pick that apart, let's just say Work is Work, and it works, forgive me.

What else? I believe opening up to other people is another step in the way of recovery. Why exactly, maybe because it has a degree of acceptance that you find in other people. The fact that you can explain your situation, and they still love you and care is a moment that you feel with stinging acuity. Though it's a process of getting to the point where you are prepared to share, and doing it with the right people listening.

Other than that, i don't know. I don't believe philosophizing is a way to recovery. People say have a spiritual life, but I consider doing what I'm passionate about, and getting in line with what I value, perhaps a spiritual like pursuit in life. I don't ponder that much further.

Do we really ever recover though? I believe we do. It's not about trying to outman our illness, or get at the root and eradicate it. There's nothing to challenge but our own sanity through that. Recovery is found in a desire to recover by doing certain things, and no one really knows how you arrive at that point unfortunately. I can't tell you.

They say think positive. They say say affirmations. But I believe what you can do is try to get a job, try to make some friends, attempt to open up to people, and know your coping skills to get through the ruff stretches.

a note on this blog

i don't think this blog can go on unless I review coping skills, and get down with advocacy. i really don't have any fresh takes, and I don't know if there's any point being another mental illness self-help blog.

what i do know is: we need to start taking control of our lives, especially by doing little things that make us happy. philosophize all day long it get's no nowhere. so i want to stop giving advice. i want to hear from you. i want stories. i want to hear what you feel, and what you're doing with your life. I want to hear from you.

because i'm bored of me.

haha

some lyrics

i try to find help

but i can’t speak

about the help steps

i try to find peace

but my thoughts race

troubling states

cluttering waste

if the mind is a beautiful thing

why does it run me down?

what’s the purpose of a life

i can’t live

without a purpose

it gets too much

i can’t dwell

below the surface

if the mind is a beautiful thing

why must i hallucinate?

i try to cope

but i can’t handle

when voices come scrambled

i’m lost 

resist alien mind

at all costs

at all costs

at all costs

i’m sedated

sittin on the couch

bugged out

alone with my thoughts

i sit

desperate

did that shit... just

oh shit

shadows playing tricks

medicaid benefits

fanmail

I'm going to add a letter i recently wrote to professional soccer player, Fernando Torres.

• Conversation started Monday
• 
  

  3:58a

  
  

  To: Fernando Torres
  

  Hola Señor Torres. Mi llamo David. Yo empezo mirando futbol cuando tienia pocos anos… 

  It was some years after I grew up that I first heard of "El Nino." People talked about a new player who was young, skillful, and the toast of Spain. I admit I had no knowledge of your career until I began watching soccer again this year, but to my surprise, the person I heard whispers about all these years was apparently not doing well. I heard coverage of Chelsea matches, and read stories about how you were not in the graces of your fans, that your career was virtually over, and that you have been offered up to other clubs.

  Perhaps that's just the way of professional sports, that when you're down the people are on you, and when you're up they love you, but it didn't seem right to me.

  When I was 21 I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a form of mental illness that some people never recover from. I was told I would have put my dreams on hold, because the illness severely affects ones ability to function, handle stress, and make decisions. It has proved challenging living with my illness, and everyday I have to choose: to recover. Now this isn't going to be a letter about how it has made me stronger, it's about the person I am today and the things I've overcome, and where my journey has taken me.

  You see every journey takes a course which we can't predict. It's hardly ever a linear path to our peak, and then to greatness. Lives take strange and unpredictable courses, involve changes, and stray from the course which we'd have liked to stay on. With my illness I never could have imagined facing such a challenge, but even during the dark days I held on to hope that I would get better. My life is better today, but not perfect. I did by keeping hope alive, and following my passions like: writing, painting, skateboarding, studying etc.. it has given me confidence and strength to move forward, but it has not changed one fact: our lives are constantly moving in some direction, but not always where we want to be. But if we can stick to what we're passionate about, and what makes us feel good, then we have the answer.

  I don't know if your passion is futbol, but if it is, do it, and do it because it's what you want, and because it's what makes you feel good. Do it for your own health. It's a game people adore, and scrutinize til the last play, and I know people have questioned if your hearts in it, but that doesn't matter if your passionate about doing it, and playing it, because it's what makes you feel good… it doesn't matter what situation we find ourselves in. We can always play, and I can always write. Futbol will always be there, and if it's your passion, then you have something great and precious you should never let go of.

  I wish you best of luck 

keep a rational mind
find your inner strength
move forward...

if you're having trouble following through with plans... ASK A FRIEND TO KEEP YOU ACCOUNTABLE.

Have any of you guys played some good boardgames?

I recently got into Pandemic. Since it's a co-op game it's perfect for friends, and simple enough to introduce new people, a great way to break the ice with new people, and a great distraction.

Check out the video from "Tabletop", and see how it's played.

I wish we could get together, and hold ourselves up together.
to take the actions that are hard to take together
we could do great things if only we were together
looking out for each other
available,
and of the same willingness
to bring about change.

depression...a powerful force

In my life depression creeps in at various times. It's a life-sucking symptom that makes you feel pain, pain, pain. So I have a little understanding of how to approach it. First of all, with depression it's easy to  not get the right perspective on things. For instance I'm in pain, and I feel terrible; thus we almost get captured and lost in a symptom which is only temporary (in my experience). It torments us, and we think we'll never get out of it, there is no point trying, sometimes no point living (we are worthless), and there is no point to anything. This is the thrust of depression, and it sucks.

Well first we've got to turn our minds to the idea that this will not last forever. Depression is incredibly powerful, and it can sway us into feeling stuck, and believing this will never end. Remember that it always gets better, and this too shall pass. Depression is incredibly powerful in it's ability to convince of things like the futility of doing anything (it won't get better). I sleep, and watch tv (laying down), and go to work and not talk and go through the motions. I know what it's like to fall into the trap, and I'm guilty of getting sucked into the idea that this terrible feeling will never pass.

Depression is like a temporary suspension in how you would normally feel about life. When you're in it you can't see out of it. It's terrible. When you're out of it, you can't believe how you felt when you were in it. It was not how you normally feel. (in my experience)

The other thing I would mention, and what I think is ironic, is that when we're depressed we are most in need of doing the things that make us feel good. Granted you feel terrible, but if we do nothing we don't increase positive feelings.

When you're depressed you've go to engage in pleasurable activities (hangin w/ friends, going to a movie, drawing, riding a bike, skateboard, or scooter haha... reading, having sex, trying new things, watching a funny comedy routine). It's all so necessary because with depression we most need these outlets for positive feelings, and often our approach to it is to do nothing, and almost give up.

What I'm saying is not easy at all. If you've ever been depressed you know how hard it is to gather any kind of motivation.

Step 1: Get it into perspective. This will not last forever. This is only a blip in my life. I will get through this.
Step 2: Increase positive feelings by engaging in pleasurable/fun activities. Keep a basic routine down, and don't avoid what you normally would do. (concerts, hanging w/ friends, going out, getting dinner, inviting people over). When you most need to feel good, do the things that make you feel good.
Step 3: Never give up hope. We're survivors. This is what we do.

It's strange to me that despite having a severe mental illness that there's other MI people that throw me off. As if we haven't been through enough, in my case at least, I'm pushed away by some things (the strangeness/scariness). I think I'm afraid to accept some things. But we have to move towards everyone as best we can. Try an attempt to understand them, and where they're coming from, and help them find peace through action. If it's befriending someone you're not sure of, and giving them a call. If it's listening when they seem to be a bit off the deep end. Whatever it is we need to move toward these people, because I doubt many our moving towards them.

I don't have much to say except I began volunteering with NAMI in our local chapter. I went to mental health court to shadow another volunteer, and I was left with the impression (as I had never seen so many mentally ill people gathered in one place) that what we have is not uncommon.

Perhaps there are a lot of us seeking to find MI people, and establish some sort of connection. It's good I think to network with other mentally ill people, and grounding for our own common good. Two friends I have made recently live alone, and don't get out much. I think it's pertinent to get involved and show solidarity, but that's not even what it's about. It's about tying up with fellow sufferers, and getting our best foot forward.

when you see a person who is troubled, your instinct should not be to move away. it should be to move toward.

need a good rant...

I just want to post something about being alive. or feeling alive. now i know we've got a million little things keeping us from doing what we want in life. but shit, is it really just fear.. or lack of motivation. a million simple things like: not being able to sleep over, or going to a new place, or experiencing change. what are these little things doing getting in your way. they're causing symptoms. and symptoms are bad, as bad as it gets. and we would do anything to not have them, but we do. we have brain diseases. but what the hell we've got to live because we only get one shot. one shot. that's it. we've got to turn it on. we've got to turn it up. we've got to make something happen with our lives.

now i know we are unique in a couple respects. stress does funny things to our brains. depression keeps us sucking at the door for mercy. anxiety makes us want to jump off a cliff, or less dramatically just hide out and avoid situations. we're not well. but we can live. but we can! a little nudge and we're off...

we've got to remember that as we're leaning towards doing what makes us feel the most alive. to find where life lies, and where joy resides, we're going to have to look silly, out-of-place, and weird... let's say. we're going to have to have people look at us, say stuff to us "are you okay?", "what's the matter?" Maybe even want to avoid us, but yes, the thing is we're mentally ill yet we can get over the looks, the people, the feelings because if their is one objective fact in this entire world that should stand out: what other people think doesn't matter one bit in this universe.

Damn the people! Damn what they think. You're going to have to be somewhere and look silly, and strange, and weird, and out-of-place. But honestly what is that compared to getting closer to feeling alive. what is that? the anxiety rushes up, so reach out!!! so find that person that's going to grab you by the arms take you outside of the bar, and tell you repeatedly it's going to be ok. We're going to get through this together.

We need people around us like that. We need people to trust. We need people who care. We also need to let go off what they think, and look strange, out-of-place, and we're going to expect those awkward looks, and maybe some avoidance, but that's all. That's all that's going to happen, and the thing is you don't have to let it hurt you. That's hard. But you don't have to.

Let's get going, let's start living, let's start putting ourselves on the line.

But for what you might say? To suffer more? To get more symptomatic? No, because if you want to do something then by god you should be able to go do it, and whatever is in your way you got to go right through it. because joy is in feeling alive. and in feeling alive we find life. and the rest... is just a life with no regrets.

I will harp on this again: VOLUNTEER. If you can't work volunteer. It's a great outlet for us, and there  our many different options for the socially queasy (e-mail me for ideas). I'm certain your therapist or psychiatrist, or someone in the mental health community nearby has a website listing your options. Meanwhile we can't forget that while you're volunteering, if you ever in the future want to get a job it's going to be a great reference for you. Yet that's not the point. Getting outside and into the community is what we're after.

Try it out, you'll feel good. It might be just what you needed....

This.

Indulging

Indulging. That negative coping skill we so often slip into. Whether it's sleep, food, television, computers too much is going to prove unhealthy. This goes back to leading a balanced life, and you got to be aware that your addressing each aspect of your life: be that work, social life, art, music, progression, activism, finances... whatever you want; to spend a bit of time on each.

Indulging is an art. The art of wasting time. To feel it slipping through your fingers! I encourage discovering your values, and taking action in line with your values. Do something. Try to make something happen. See something through to its finish, and see how that feels.

We all need a little balance.
We all need a little passion.
We all need to make a little something happen.

recovery noise

Brian Eno is the inventor of ambient music, and this track is one of his best. Takes me far away into the sky to a better place.

bad vibes

Dealing with continuous anxiety... phooey.

I guess I'll say anxiety is in line with avoidance. You think you'll get anxious (or more anxious), and anxiety sucks, therefore you adjust to isolation/avoidance. Well that can't happen. Honestly you want to just be relieved, but I'm a fervent believer in keeping things normal-or sticking to going out, going places, conversing, hanging out, and sticking it out. I find myself a little more self-conscious then usual, but as they say: the only thing that doesn't matter one bit in this world is what other people think.

Go to be aware of cognitive distortions, especially fortune telling defined as:
"You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact."

I'm going to get anxious by going over to my friends house.

rather

I'm going over to my friends house, and we'll see what happens.

cognitive distortions

I want to say a little on cognitive distortions.

One nasty one that gets me is: magnification. You ever text somebody and say something you think was a little dumb or missed the point or whatever. yea i do it all the time, we all do. There are times when I text and I begin to think oh crap because of that they're not going to like me, they're going to think I'm dumb and not want to be my friend. Very self-conscious, yes it is what it is. However it's a cognitive distortion. No one keeps tabs on what other people say-I believe that is the norm. Chances are one moment to the next they've already forgotten what you just said. The distortion is turning it into something much bigger than what it is. I find myself as I continue texting with those thoughts in my head, and guess what once you've magnified it... you've made it into something it's not. Your future communication is going to be influenced from this distortion as you un-necessarily self-consciously meander through conversation.

Stop and get it into perspective. No one is keeping score. People have their own problems which are way to important to think about your one little goof-up.

back on the ball

So I've been going to an outpatient clinic for the last week and a half. I'm learning so much, and seeing areas where I need improvement. The first I'll say is a negative coping skill I employ very often: passivity. In all honesty it's easy to ignore or not recognize feelings, and say In time everything will just work itself out. When in fact it all just won't, and procrastination over real feelings can lead to mounting frustration, and in the end besides the stress; feelings of being worthless and low. It kind of follows the logic you're not feeling good because your not doing anything. Or in my case, I'm frustrated because nothing is happening. I can't make things happen.

There are a lot of things in my life contributing to frustration, and now it's up to me to relieve this frustration. Now my anxiety and mounding stress took me to the hospital where I was not admitted, only handed Ativan (which by the way works scarily good), and from there my path lead to outpatient. I definetly felt trapt at my job, and frustrated with the fact I didn't think I could get work anywhere else because mine happens to be a low stress job. Another thing, and this is important on a spiritual & emotional level, I was ignoring some part of me that yearned to help other people. On many workdays I thought about how I was wasting my time, and how I needed to get back in touch with my values. In fact I consider, as far as my values stand, that my impulse to help won't go away. They're feelings I cannot deny only ignore.

I'm also burdened with this mental illness. I get frustrated with it. I hate when it gets me off the ball, especially in social situations where I feel as though I can't just speak freely. Anyway it's something I'm going to have to accept, and acceptance lies in putting your illness (a fact of your life) into the equation when thinking about jobs, and life. As well as when you're feeling moody, scared, etc.. you can't get mad at your illness. You've got accept that this is the way it is, and symptoms happen, and the best you can do is roll with it and try and make the best.

I think though with the passivity you can feel like the world is passing you by. You can get stuck in an unhealthy routine of consumption: food, tv, computer, and little else. In my case I was just wasting time, and as a human being you can't expect to feel good or happy if all your time is spent doing what you want to do, and often what you're doing is not healthy: wasting time, INDULGING (another huge negative coping skill I use), and not feeling productive. As human-being we're not designed to thrive when you incorporate so few healthy activities, and good coping skills, and when we don't do the things we need to feel good. To not live within healthy means, is to deny yourself well-being.

I also engage in indulging. I'm very bad at setting limits on what I eat, the television/computer time I consume.

What I encourage is awareness of what's really going on. Not in your head, but in your behavior. It's easy to get wrapped up in our problems, and lose track of what we're actually spending our time doing. I encourage recognizing feelings and doing something about these feelings. The result of ignoring your feelings is a crisis, over-time, if they are consistently ignored, and passed off as nothing. I encourage having a plan each day of what you limit yourself too: tv, computer... and abunch of more things. More updates to come, but I'm back and will be keeping up more day-to-day.

thanks guys,
keep reading.
let me know what you like I'll keep writing what you need to hear.

battling my way through february and march... sorry about the lack of updates. in full cope mode.

sometimes I think about the future, and when I do i feel so conflicted about what I can do. I don't feel I can hop on a plane and go join the peace corps. i need stability, and structure. so i'm left thinking there's got to be a place for me in the community. when we desire someting like life at all costs, in all its greatness, sometimes we feel shunned from having that. but in a responsible way we can have adventures. we can go places and experience new things. responsibily with an eye on our meds, with a scheduled visit to our therapist, and with the proper emergency plan. we shouldn't be denied adventures, and new fresh things. when we feel cramped at home. DREAM. Dream up an adventure and work it out in small steps.

Here's a good idea. The next time you're feeling blue, or need a pick up write down a list of your accomplishments. I have mine next to my bed to consult when things get low, or especially when people put me down; because we always have to deal with that asshole at work, or that person or family member that tells you to just get over yourself... etc...

You can start easy.

I've gotten up at a regular hour in the morning for the last....

I've taken care of my personal hygiene for the last....

I've been regularly working at developing this skill....

I've held down a job for the last...

If you've got stuff your proud of write it down. Keep it where you can see it.

It doesn't matter how small it is, if your proud of it and you think reminding yourself of it is worthwhile write it down. This is not the kind of activity you want to compare yourself with others to. This is about you, and what you are proud of accomplishing.

always from the heart in whatever you do.
from the heart in whatever you say...

http://www.karunapharma.com

it's like mad mysterious. they're saying Karuna has two new treatments on the horizon for schizophrenia. they've been adding top psychiatrists from academia, and former CEO's of big companies (Pfizer) to their team. it's like an all-star cast for this up and coming company. where do i invest?

cope...

The rain affords you some beautiful soothing sights. So when I feel a little stressed or psychotic I begin to look around, and at the way that light plays with the puddles. How the raindrops erupt and flicker in the ray of the lamplight. The colors of the traffic lights on the wet street-top. We're surrounded by beauty if we're really looking, and it's enough to soak it in and let it visually soothe us.

I listen to the tires running over the rain-soaked streets, and count the noises I hear. The windshield wipers rhythmically squeaking against the glass, and how the car rumbles beneath you... with classical music at a low volume playing. Anywhere where you are at any given moment there's beauty, and it may seem so insignificant and pointless to you to sense it, but it can be the difference between feeling terrible and feeling slightly better.

Visually we are soothed, in the rain, by beauty.
Listening we are soothed, in the rain, by beauty.

Going through a ruff week-end. Something unique to my experience is being caught in your head. I guess, I got to take it easy. So much of me yearns for feeling better, and rectifying my experience. Yet it's like nothing needs fixing, and yet I'm torn about by symptoms I want to just disappear. Anyway... just going to take it easy. Try and be content. So much of me yearns for feeling invincible to my symptoms, but reality sets in and these illnesses stick like a bad smell.

I mean what is it that drives this culture of self-improvement if not to feel better more often? I mean what is it that drives us? I seek an understanding why can't I have the girlfriend I want? Why can't I have the job I want? Why can't I not feel afraid all the time? And my answer seems to be keep on seeking. Maybe it's just my relation to my experience to always be seeking?

Maybe.

I guess what I want to impart is: maybe there is no answer to ourselves, and we just need to get on with living our life. Maybe there is no insight that changes everything. Maybe there is no way of living that cures all. Maybe we're just meant to be here on earth, and witness it in all its interestingness. Its peculiarities. It's strangeness, pleasure, and spontaneity. Maybe we have to stop seeking the answer to ourselves, in our attempt to be immune from the world, and just start living. Start messing around, and joining the fun, and not worrying about how high my confidence is, or what my self-esteem is. Can we get on with livin'.

it's not this or that. it's not knoweable through reflection only. it's more like an attitude. a readiness. bringing it everyday, and still with that much you don't know and it won't be revealed unless in interaction. between you and the world. today you must rest. tomorrow you must be open. be open please. it's difficult to explain. but you and the world have something sacred and important to learn from each other. you must try your best everyday to let things come and go and infiltrate you and be open above all things. i'm trying to explain, but it's not really something you can put into words. It's interaction between you and the world. That brings you to what you will know, but can't know by sheer contemplation.

you can't be certain about anything unless the world has brought it to you. and what it takes is being open and letting the world interact with you... mold you, and teach you. so much ambiguity. but i'm trying to say it.

the most i can say is this. live your life. and be open. be ready. it will come. don't try.

coping, more cope...

When it comes to coping I'll try anything. I like to combine things especially with deep breathing. The biggest thing for me to set it off is exercise. I think that is big in a bunch of ways: the health factor, the fact that a lot of us are overweight from medication, and because it is a stress reducer. It sets the stage real good for other coping techniques. I'll get home after a run and pour a hot bath, plop in, and put some soulful music on; maybe some Al Green, Dennis Brown, Dee Dee Sharp. I'll take some deep breaths and relax as the songs soothe me. I think you could add some incense, that ain't hurtin'. I like to take my time and wash my entire body feeling the sensations, which is soothing and brings you into the moment. Not forgetting the fact that hygiene is forgotten by some of us, so this could be a great routine to add to your day. At that point I'm pretty relaxed, and it's good because it slows everything down. I get out and finish my ablutions, and put on my most comfortable clothes and I'm ready to go. I think the ritual is a great way to get fresh and ready for the world.

The whole ritual combines soothing, healthy exercise, and getting back into the moment. A potent mix!

revealing... oh so revealing

i think it's time to open up the question of "do i reveal my illness?" one more time. i recently told a work friend I have bi-polar disorder. that's not all, but as sort of a litmus, i let him know i had a form of mental illness. i didn't know if opening up would make me feel better, or stronger, but i did. well he told  a co-worker, and almost spilled the beans to other workers who would have surely told every living soul. now i haven't encountered any real stigmatization yet. it's been about 3-4 weeks since i told him. there were immediately jokes like "he's nuts", and wikipedia searches trying to figure out what Bi-Polar is, but I was able to take an attitude much like: go for it, i don't care. I guess today I feel better than someone knows outside my immediate circle, and that it hasn't really affected me. I'm still very cautious and even paranoid to tell people. Even telling someone I have depression doesn't go easy, but I'm opening up to the fact that people who know you aren't going to really reject you, I think. Yet it's also a matter of disclosure. If i revealed my true illness, Schizoaffective, and told them about some of my psychotic experiences the complexion might seriously change. All I'm saying is this was a test, and so far no ill effects. I hope to one day open up more, but not anytime soon. It'll take courage, but if one person can do it, so can the rest.

it's a coping thing...

i discovered in the hospital by chance one of the most effective coping methods. the good news is, all it involves is your arms and an orange. now its sheer simplicity is beautiful!

now in DBT we come across the "distract, relax, cope," thing. well this is perfect. just scratch the surface of your orange to release its intoxicating scent. then find a comfortable place to lay down and begin throwing the orange up and down. periodically drink in the glorious aroma, and play games try to hit a certain spot on the ceiling, or see how close you can come to hitting the ceiling without hitting.

i love this little game. it goes well with or without some of your favorite musical jams.

distract - tossing an orange
relax - smelling your orange
cope - your already coping!

celebrity schizophrenics

Graham March a.k.a. "Desimal" was a musician who made highly original drum 'n bass music. Desimal was a schizophrenic. Here is a site that includes his music, artwork. He is an inspiration as a fan of his music, and in part of what he accomplished despite his illness. His dates are 1980-2006.

The site was constructed by a friend it looks like.
http://grahammarch.com

what we are.

Survivors, plain and simple. It would do well to remember how far we've come, and how some haven't made it. Some didn't, and it's no fault of theirs. We all trace a difficult path. Let's celebrate the fact we're alive, and remember those who've lost their battle. Whether you know someone, heard a story, or felt compelled to put the mentally ill in your prayers. Let their memory fuel our own recovery.

(N) Survivor:

1.) Someone or something that still exists after an event that could have killed or destroyed them.

2.) "I'm a survivor -  a living example of what people can go through and survive."
3.) A person who has overcome the odds, and lived on where others were lost. A person who has seen hell, and tenaciously keeps moving on. A person who has exhibited heroism.

We are survivors. Let's go.

work harder, think smarter

so as people with mental illnesses we're faced with the reality of trying to make something of our lives. now some of us feel just coping is a full-time job, but it's one life to lead, but ok, there are some things we can do about this:

1.) Balance Wheel
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm (how to create one!)
This is a great visual aid that shows you as a complete person. It also reminds you how you need to allot your time in order to feel like the many sides of your life are in harmony. It's perfect for making you feel like your life is in order, and its effects are not limited to mood improvements. I love my goddamn balance wheel, though I neglect it too often.

2.) Optimism
http://www.findingoptimism.com
An interesting idea, but a certainly good one. Optimism is a program designed for recovery. Rate your moods everyday. Identify your triggers. Track sleep. A lot of stuff going on here. I've toyed with it, and I like it. Now if only I didn't neglect using it. This is all about learning how your illness works, and education is a solid, always. Also easily customizable to all your symptoms.

3.) Video Log
I use a mac, and I've been doing this for a little while. Short videos on how my day went covering the interesting parts, and what i need to do, how i feel about things. The most useful aspect actually was to be able to visually see how stressed i was, and how heavy things were weighing on my mind. Try a video long, see where it takes you!

Higher Power

I've come across this in AA, and different self-help literature. They all point to something which is... we need to find our higher power. I believe in the power of the human spirit. I believe in the ability for human beings to overcome difficult obstacles in life. I believe when they tell you you're going to be ill your whole life, and in and out of hospitals, that it's false. I choose not to the believe that. I choose to believe we are human-beings on a journey that takes dips, gets off track, comes back around, and continues on in a kind of funky dance with stability. But, we are propelled all the while by the human spirit. We are all resilent people. People with mental illnesses are some of the toughest people to ever walk the earth. Even when they're crying out to be helped, and at their worst we pull through... driven by the human spirit, and the belief that we are going to get better. that life improves. that with work we can overcome our situation, and live a life that feels good. have some happiness, and some of what we desire.

my higher power is a kind of faith in people, and their ability to overcome. what's yours?

Pleasure.

Now I think that complacency is a big thing for people of all types, but especially the mentally ill. Getting complacent sitting like a brick as the day winds closer and closer to its end, only to repeat the process for days and days is no good.

Now here's a question, what have you done for you lately? No matter what our condition we are entitled to give ourselves pleasure. We need it.

Go for a walk
Discover some new music
Drink a new type of soda or other beverage
Cook something you've never tried before
Drive the car around and look at the scenery
Write in your journal
Take a long hot shower
Make plans with a friend, or if you don't have friends go to the supermarket and try and converse with strangers. Who knows... it might be good practice for you
Smell the fruit at supermarket. Oranges are my favorite.
Go for a bike ride
Pick up a musical instrument and just make sounds (who cares if you can't play, make some noise)
Go shopping
Research something your interested in (knowledge can be so refreshing)
Stretch
Meditate

etc... you get the idea

I think a little pleasure in our lives can go a long way. We forget in our torment that there's good feelings to be had. It's never more important than when you are at your worst to find pleasure even if it's in the most little minuet way. It can be the difference. So plan a little pleasure in your day. It may be just what you need.

stigma is killer man! wow. imagine a world where people leap up to help, instead of you dreading revealing anything. imagine sharing yourself completely and having people understand, instead of expecting to be misunderstood as a fucking crazy. the thing that irks me is we're the people that need a boost and a little help, a little understanding the most since we've been dealt a shitty hand. yet the reality is we can barely reach out because we can't talk. we are mutes about our illnesses. i bet healing could come in waves were we able to reveal and talk about stuff. i'm so stifled at times. i censor myself. i hide. i sink. it's a terrible thing. we need to educate. for real.