back on the ball

So I've been going to an outpatient clinic for the last week and a half. I'm learning so much, and seeing areas where I need improvement. The first I'll say is a negative coping skill I employ very often: passivity. In all honesty it's easy to ignore or not recognize feelings, and say In time everything will just work itself out. When in fact it all just won't, and procrastination over real feelings can lead to mounting frustration, and in the end besides the stress; feelings of being worthless and low. It kind of follows the logic you're not feeling good because your not doing anything. Or in my case, I'm frustrated because nothing is happening. I can't make things happen.

There are a lot of things in my life contributing to frustration, and now it's up to me to relieve this frustration. Now my anxiety and mounding stress took me to the hospital where I was not admitted, only handed Ativan (which by the way works scarily good), and from there my path lead to outpatient. I definetly felt trapt at my job, and frustrated with the fact I didn't think I could get work anywhere else because mine happens to be a low stress job. Another thing, and this is important on a spiritual & emotional level, I was ignoring some part of me that yearned to help other people. On many workdays I thought about how I was wasting my time, and how I needed to get back in touch with my values. In fact I consider, as far as my values stand, that my impulse to help won't go away. They're feelings I cannot deny only ignore.

I'm also burdened with this mental illness. I get frustrated with it. I hate when it gets me off the ball, especially in social situations where I feel as though I can't just speak freely. Anyway it's something I'm going to have to accept, and acceptance lies in putting your illness (a fact of your life) into the equation when thinking about jobs, and life. As well as when you're feeling moody, scared, etc.. you can't get mad at your illness. You've got accept that this is the way it is, and symptoms happen, and the best you can do is roll with it and try and make the best.

I think though with the passivity you can feel like the world is passing you by. You can get stuck in an unhealthy routine of consumption: food, tv, computer, and little else. In my case I was just wasting time, and as a human being you can't expect to feel good or happy if all your time is spent doing what you want to do, and often what you're doing is not healthy: wasting time, INDULGING (another huge negative coping skill I use), and not feeling productive. As human-being we're not designed to thrive when you incorporate so few healthy activities, and good coping skills, and when we don't do the things we need to feel good. To not live within healthy means, is to deny yourself well-being.

I also engage in indulging. I'm very bad at setting limits on what I eat, the television/computer time I consume.

What I encourage is awareness of what's really going on. Not in your head, but in your behavior. It's easy to get wrapped up in our problems, and lose track of what we're actually spending our time doing. I encourage recognizing feelings and doing something about these feelings. The result of ignoring your feelings is a crisis, over-time, if they are consistently ignored, and passed off as nothing. I encourage having a plan each day of what you limit yourself too: tv, computer... and abunch of more things. More updates to come, but I'm back and will be keeping up more day-to-day.

thanks guys,
keep reading.
let me know what you like I'll keep writing what you need to hear.